your thong is hanging out like whoa
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
