Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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