The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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