My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
