I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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