I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing