The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
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you told grandpa to call you daddy
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
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He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?