We left an ass print on the piano.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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