Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
