Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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