I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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