I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize