Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
