so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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