His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
