Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
