Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
