so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
