please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
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you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
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