Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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