Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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