I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
