New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
