Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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