I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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