If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
