That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
