Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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