I am puke
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
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Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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