i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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