You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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