i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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