just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
