Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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