At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
