Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The maid of honor just puked.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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