dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
