I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
