I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
