We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
