I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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