..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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