Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
