We won't sleep together?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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