I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
