i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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