got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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