How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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