Pants 0. Shit 1.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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