just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
