i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
