tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
