Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
