It's Friday. Sex?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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