I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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