I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
