one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
