I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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