I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
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Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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