What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
