My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
