Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
