Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
