Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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